Fireworks

Liebe Lucy,

In a shocking turn of events the last month has been a complete whirlwind. I realise that is a phrase I use often, but it is not one that I use lightly.

Since getting to university, things have just got better and better, and I realised a few nights ago while watching the fireworks what a predictable but apt metaphor for my life right now they were.

I realise this is the most stereotypical and cringe-worthy metaphor imaginable but just bear with me on this. Fireworks are beautiful but fleeting. Like fireworks, intense moments of happiness feel like they last a split second, but are beautiful enough to be remembered, and bright enough to leave a little mark after they've gone.

To me, fireworks are little pockets of magic that visualise something incredible. They look like they shouldn't be possible, yet they are. Bright lights shooting across the sky just have a habit for reminding me that even when things are at their worst, like when there is total darkness, it only takes something tiny to completely light up everything. And while it may not last long, while it does it is truly incredible.

At the risk of sounding like Katy Perry, I guess my point is that sometimes when people enter your life initially it can be like fireworks. Whether that's because they are so incredible that you can do little more than just wonder at them or whether its because they know how to make you so happy you feel like a firework yourself, they can cause happiness only comparable to bright colours in the sky or little pockets of magic.

Right now my life is full of fireworks.

Lucy x

University: Week 1

Liebe Lucy,

The last week has been a complete whirlwind. On 19th September 2015 I packed up my things and moved to University about 2.5 hours away from home. I can't quite express to you how nervous I was doing so and for weeks before that day I tried to find reasons for me to not go. Obviously, deep down I always knew that no matter how terrified I was, I was always going to give it a shot, but when I arrived at registration on my own while my parents went to park the car I was quite literally shaking with nerves. Today is 29th September and I feel absolutely and completely at home here already and have hardly stopped to think about what things are like at home without me.


I have absolutely no doubt that what made the transition so easy is the fact that the people I am sharing a flat with are absolutely wonderful. Initially, when I heard I would be sharing a flat with 13 other people I thought it was way too many and we would never all get on. I was wrong. While we have one post-graduate in a flat full of under-graduate freshers who, understandably, isn't really bothered about being part of our friendship group, the rest of us all get on incredibly well. I quite literally feel like I've gained 4 sisters and 8 brothers within 10 days of knowing them. We are all different people with different interests but there is enough overlap between the group for us all to feel comfortable and at ease with each other. I would imagine its fairly rare to have known a group of people for a week and have a conversation at 2.30am about the meaning of life, but with these people it wasn't even questioned.

While its highly likely that things won't be quite such smooth sailing for the entire year, I am not even slightly worried about sharing a flat with these people. We are a very social flat (one of the main reasons I've not stopped since I got here!) but we also all appreciate a little bit of time on our own at times
, and recognise that sometimes we just don't want to socialise, which is just perfect for me.

Aside from my wonderful flat, all of the people I have met so far in my building are equally brilliant. From the ones I have met at the freshers clubbing events to the ones I have met at lectures and discovered we're from the same building, they are an incredibly diverse group of people which is always interesting to be involved with.

I have also had 2 days of lectures so far and while the majority have been introductions to the course, those which have been actual lectures have been fantastic. With every lecture I sit through I believe more and more that the course I have chosen is right for me.

Despite all of my anxiety towards coming to university and all of the issues with where I would be going, clearly something in the universe wanted me here. I don't think I could have met better people and everything just seems to finally be slotting into place. I have no idea what the next 4 years will involve, but I'm not even a little bit scared about it anymore.

Lucy x

Being Comfortable

Liebe Lucy,


Over the last few months this blog has sort of become my way or portraying to my future self how fantastic 2015 (so far) has been for me and how incredible my friends are. In a few short days I will be moving 2.5 hours away where I know one person in the whole city. Tonight, after meeting up with the people I love most in the world (minus those who have already left for uni), I'm left trying to convince myself that sometimes things scare us and we just have to do them anyway.

The prospect of university is terrifying to me. I'm not a massive drinker and find the whole 'fresher' culture extremely intimidating, not to mention the moving away where I don't know anyone and living with people I've never met. While I hope more than anything that I look back on this post and think 'I can't believe I didn't even know ____ then', it is still absolutely terrifying and there is absolutely a chance that I will hate it. But that's something I have to find out and the only way to do that is by trying.

I have become extremely comfortable in my school friendship group. I would not hesitate to go to any one of them if I needed them for anything. They are home. And while home is the most comfortable place there is, sooner or later you have to leave but that doesn't mean you don't return home. While talking about a 'family' Christmas meal and what we're going to do for New Year feels incredibly premature (what with it being September and everything) it comforts me to know that those I'm most comfortable with feel the same and have a similar sense of wanting to cling to what we currently have.

It won't be the same when we get home for Christmas. That much I'm sure of. We will all have grown and changed, even if only slightly. It would be naive to think we will never change but just because we change, the group doesn't have to. And while I do worry on the surface that they will all make new, better friends and completely forget about me, I know deep down that even if they do find new friends and even if those friends are better than me, they can never have new school friends, and that is what I will cling to.

To those of you who will forever be my school friends, thank you, for being home.

Lucy x

Goodbyes

Liebe Lucy,

You would've thought with all the goodbyes I have said in my life I would be used to them. I am not.

By the age of 8, 3 of my best friends had moved away. The last being my best friend in the entire world who often passed as my twin back in the day. Since then I have said goodbye to many more friends as they've all moved away.

In addition to that, I have 2 cousins and an Aunt and Uncle who live in New Zealand. Bearing in mind I live in the UK, it's pretty obvious that there are goodbyes every time they visit that are harder than anything else.

Recently I left Sixth Form and said goodbye to everyone there. I thought the last day was saying goodbye, but I realise now that that wasn't even half of it. The time has come for us to all split up and head our separate ways as we go off to university, and this is the real goodbye, even if it is a temporary one.

Today I went to the beach with my friends as a little goodbye thing for the ones heading off this weekend. We didn't make a big deal about the fact they were going, we just utilised the time we have together.

Saying goodbye to them was just as hard as every goodbye I've said so far.

There's something about goodbyes that even when they're temporary they still fill you with an ache that cannot be compared to anything else. Missing someone is such a unique feeling, and goodbyes feel like a preemptive missing.

I know that we are heading off on our own adventures, but I still hope that our adventures together aren't over yet.

Lucy x

Dear Future Me

Dear Future Lucy,

This is not the first time I've written to you. After my first letter in September 2013 I decided I enjoyed writing to you and have since set up an entire separate corner of the internet to share with you how your life was way back when. Although letters are slightly more frequent these days, I did want to take the annual step back and give you a little life update.

You're 18 at the moment and currently preparing yourself in every possible way for university. You move in on the 19th of this month which is really not that far away. While you have reached the point where you absolutely do need something new to focus on, you're still not feeling great about the whole uni thing, but, for once, you're really hoping you're proved wrong once you get there. I suppose you will already know the answer to that, which makes me wish there were a way for you to write back to me and let me know how the transition went.

You've sort of comprehended that you're not going back to school now. For a long time it didn't quite feel real but with everyone else heading back to school within the last few weeks it has sunk in that you will not be joining them. While this makes you incredibly nostalgic for something that hasn't long been gone, it does mean that all of your memories of sixth form, which will undoubtably be what you think of when the word 'school' is mentioned, were incredibly happy ones. As you've said many times before and will say many times again, the friends you made in sixth form are the most incredible people you've had the opportunity to meet to date and while you are in constant amazement at them and cannot understand why they chose to be friends with you, you could not be happier about it. They have taught you that friendships should make you feel happy and comfortable and at home in a way that you never really realised before. They have taught you that family doesn't only mean the people you are related to, it means the people who you can't remember life without and cannot imagine life without.

A few weeks ago you got your A-Level results back. While they were enough to get you into university, you felt like you'd let yourself down and, if you're being honest, you still feel like that. It's very difficult to hear people saying 'all my hard work paid off', when your hard work didn't. That being said, with every day you're putting results further behind you in your mind and you hope that you will never really have to discuss your A-Levels in the future after university.

Your cousins came back from New Zealand again for 4 weeks this year. Having been back there a good few weeks already, it feels like they weren't here for nearly enough time but the time we did spend with them was as precious as always. You have been upgraded from 'best friend' to 'sister' to one of them and she spent most of her time with you this summer sitting as close as she can physically get to you (by which I mean pretty much sitting on your lap at any possibility but settling for right up next to you when not) and grinning at you. It makes you happy that she clearly loves you almost as much as you love her. Almost, she will never understand how much you love her and you could never expect her to.

You also played a festival this summer. Your first in fact. The Youth Cymru stage at Kaya Festival 2015 was the first time you played to an open field and the exact point you completely fell in love with festivals like that. You honestly wish you could do that all day every day and the way the flower crown and acoustic guitar suit you, it seems like the universe thinks you belong in a field in the sunshine playing music to people too.

Future Lucy, I kind of wish I could just press pause here. Before university, before 'real life' in the sense of actual adulthood and not just a legal status all kicks in. I'd just like to be for a while. I wish I could stay here in the time where I'm not expected to do anything with my time other than see friends before we all scatter across the country within the next few weeks. Knowing that Thursday will mean the last time your year group are all together for the school 'Prize Giving' (similar to a graduation) makes you so sad, and you really do wish you could see all those people again. Not necessarily your friends, you know you will definitely see them again, but the ones that you shared a single lesson with or just saw around school a lot. There's something really sad about leaving those people behind.

While I do wish I could press pause, I know that I can't. While I'm incredibly daunted by the idea of university I am slowly beginning to feel like it is the right time for me to have a little bit more responsibility. Maybe I'll regret saying that in a month when there's no one there to make me a cup of tea to wake me up in the morning or wash my clothes for me, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. And even then, its not forever.

Until next time, Lucy, when I'm sure everything will be even more different than it was 2 years ago when I wrote my first letter to you.

Lucy x

The Impact of A Teacher

Liebe Lucy,

Earlier this evening I received the incredibly sad news that the man who introduced me to the German language back in those year 7 lessons has passed away. It has come as a shock to the whole community due to him being so young but it has also made me stop and think about the impact he has had on my life.

I distinctly remember being incredibly annoyed that I would be taking German lessons instead of French lessons (we had no choice) until I stepped foot in that classroom. As soon as I met my teacher I knew that it didn't matter what language he was teaching me, we would have fun doing so anyway. Like most people, my misconceptions that German is an 'ugly' language etc etc were strong, until he proved them all wrong. While he only taught me for a year, that year without a doubt had an impact on my perspective of German. He taught me that languages in general are, surprisingly, fun and that it doesn't have to be just sitting down and copying things out over and over again. Rarely a lesson passed by that something wasn't thrown across the classroom in some vocab learning game or another and, to his credit, we all listened because of his unique approach.

His time as a teacher was tragically short, but the number of people who are talking about him and are affected by his death speaks volumes. He impacted so many people, whether academically or through his ability to just understand people, and truly will be missed.

I'm sad that I never got to tell him that I am pursuing German to degree level starting in September, but I will always be thankful for the fantastic head start he gave me.

Lucy x

Reading | Dear July | 6

Dear July,

Over the past few months I fell out of love with reading. At the time I put it down to exam stress and simply not wanting to read after spending all my time revising. Normally I fall back in love with reading when the summer rolls around and I have seemingly endless amounts of free time but that's not quite happened this year.

Our time together, July, is usually spent in the sun getting through as many books as possible, more so than my time with any of your friends. I usually spend most of my time with you living in fictional worlds as people other than myself but I simply don't seem to want to do that this year.

After thinking a lot about why I don't want to spend my time with you emerged in an alternate 'reality' I've begun to wonder if it's because this time we meet, July, you find me happier than I've ever been. I wonder if my reliance on fiction has disappeared because reality is a great place for me right now. While I'm not saying that everything is perfect in my life (that's rarely the case in anyone's life, everyone is fighting their own battles, after all) my life curre
ntly feels like I'm living in a fictional world because everything seems to be, well, okay. I think it's rare that so many things can be okay at once and I think my not wanting to read at the moment might be because I'm savouring every minute of my own life, rather than someone else's.

While I definitely don't think this is a bad thing in any way, I would like to spend a little bit more time with my fictional friends than I do at the moment. Maybe with the arrival of your friend, August, I might learn to get the balance a little more even.

Lucy x

Old Friends | Dear July | 5

Dear July,

There's something about old friends that makes them special. There's something that sets them apart from the newer friends. There's something about being around people who have known you since you were 11, some even longer than that. They know your past and personality and while fresh starts are great, sometimes it's nice to go back to people who not only know you that well but are still willing to be your friend after all that time.

People change and grow and generally evolve. I am most definitely not the same person I was 2 years ago yet when I see people I was friends with then, our new selves still manage to find a way to click right back into place. I remain the new version of me, but I guess if you're friends with someone for years there's always a route back to friendship with them.

While I'm very aware of how much I love my new friends, I really had forgotten how happy the old ones make me too. Ironically, not really the people I was in a 'friendship group' with for my last year of school, but the individuals along the way. As much as I want to forget about 11 year old me for many reasons, the fact that these people willingly accepted me as a friend at that time means a lot.

So here's to the ones who've stuck around.

Liebe Lucy x

Doing Loved Things | Dear July | 4

Dear July,

I've often heard the phrase 'do more of what you love'. Until now, I've assumed that means the activities you love. When I hear that phrase my mind jumps straight to music, because it is the thing I'm most passionate about, but over our time together this year, July, I've realised that's not necessarily what that phrase means, for me at least.

I've realised that what makes me the happiest is spending extended amounts of time with the people I love most in the world. Whether that's going away for a few days with a few friends, simply spending time at my local beach with other friends or spending time with my cousins who are back visiting from their home on the other side of the globe, there is nothing that makes me happier than simply spending time with them. Although I do think I have some introvert qualities and at some point I do need time alone to recharge my energy, the last few weeks have reminded me that underneath those qualities I am an extrovert at my core and being around the right people changes my mind state dramatically for the better.

The key point with this, however, is it being the right people. I am incredibly lucky to have absolutely incredible people in my life at the moment, however this has decreased my tolerance for people who do not make me happy. For a long time I felt miserable as a result of toxic friendships that drained the energy from me, probably being the cause for me developing those introvert qualities, and my current friends have, without even being aware of doing so, showed me that life is too short to be around people who don't make you happy. As mean as it may sound, I've realised now that it's okay to be selfish and to do what makes you happy.

I talk a lot about how incredible my friends are but that's because I so whole-heartedly think they are. In complete honesty, I'm still a little amazed at how they've accepted me into their friendship group and I'm still adjusting to the idea of people actually wanting me around rather than merely tolerating me. July, sharing you with them has been an absolute pleasure and we're only half way through our time together. I so very sincerely hope I get to write to you for many more years to come telling you that these wonderful people are still in my life, but for now I'm ignoring the future and truly living in the moment, which is something I've never felt able to do before.

July, thank you for providing me with so much time to share with these people who I love so much.

Liebe Lucy x

Friend Holiday #1 | Dear July | 3

Dear July,

This year we got off to a slightly bumpy start, but all of a sudden things took off and I've barely had time to touch back down before I'm off on more adventures.

You've brought with you a landmark moment in my life already within your first 10 days which makes me optimistic about the remaining 21. In an extremely impulsive and out of character decision, when asked by a friend on Friday if I wanted to go on a 'lads holiday to centre parcs' on Monday, I resisted the urge to say no which is my default answer and after much deliberation, decided on Sunday that there was nothing to lose and I would go, although the plan was to stay until Wednesday instead of Friday. I think the fact that I absent-mindedly packed enough clothes for a few extra days if necessary and ended up staying until lunch-time on Thursday speaks volumes about the trip.

For a long time I've avoided things out of the fear I will feel anxious but recently I've had a change of heart. It is exactly this attitude that has made my anxiety worse, limiting things I feel comfortable with. I've decided that I will no longer miss out on things because of possibilities and I couldn't be more glad that I had this change of heart before going on holiday with friends.

Although I'm at that age where we're playing grown ups, pretending to be adults because of the legal label we were given after our last birthday but still very much figuring out how to live that label, going on holiday with friends really made me realise that I will be okay moving out in September, although I do wish it was those people I was moving in with. Living with friends for 4 days acted as a sort of tester for uni living in my mind and it's made me far more excited than I was before. It also showed me that it's hard to be home sick when you're with people who feel like home.

As friend holidays go, ours was very chilled. We didn't go abroad to an island inhabited mainly by tourists and go clubbing and get drunk every night. We went to a forest in England and played card games and pool and just enjoyed living in each others company for a few days. My favourite moments were quite honestly the little things, like sorting out and eating dinner together or the staying up late chatting purely because we could. Although there aren't really obvious stand out moments in my mind that I will look back on every day and remember, I will remember the trip fondly purely because it made me feel absolutely content when I have struggled to feel that in the last month, and I'm very aware how much of that had to do with the company kept for those 4 days.

So, July, although initially it looked like we weren't going to have as much fun together as we have during our previous encounters, things are certainly looking up and with a family trip to London happening tomorrow, the end of the adventures is not quite in sight yet, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Here's to making many more memories in our time together this year, July.

Lucy x

Bad Days | Dear July | 2

Dear July,

Everyone has good days and bad days. Just like a good day, a bad day can be anything. While it's accepted that on the days that it feels like nothing is going right, it is labelled as a bad day, sometimes the feeling of it being a bad day has very little reasoning behind it.

Sometimes you just wake up with a feeling of not wanting to face the day and that feeling manages to push its way through the entire day. Sometimes you find yourself incredibly upset with a complete inability to pinpoint why that is. Today was one of those days for me.

I've had a few of these days recently, however I have decided to not allow myself to wallow in self-pity as it's never done me any good in the past. Instead of staying at home in bed all day for weeks I have filled my day jam packed tomorrow from late morning until midnight and I really hope that will allow me to forget about whether its a good day or a bad day, and just live it.

Liebe Lucy x

Celebrations | Dear July | 1

Dear July,

The first day I spend with you has always been one filled with birthday celebrations for my mother. This year, while echoing previous years in that respect, its main focus was my Year 13 school prom. The evening flashed by a vision of camera flashes and small talk but something just didn't feel right.

That's always the problem with celebrations as big as prom. They're built up so much that I find they never quite live up to the expectation. While before hand thoughts appear of a magical evening straight out of a disney film, in reality its just a group of people who have spent the last few years together in a room wearing nice clothes and eating food. Maybe that's cynical of me, but its all I could think this evening.

I wasn't in the right mind set for celebrations tonight. I feel like I've viewed the evening through a cloud, detached and unclear. Although I'm sure I'll look back on prom night as a happy evening, in reality, it wasn't really. The best part of the evening was being able to confide in one of my newly best friends everything that was worrying me and get things off my chest that I've been keeping close for far too long. While it was great to have some bonding time with her and honestly I feel like this evening brought us a lot closer, the topic of discussion wasn't exactly a happy one.

Although I often feel celebrations are what you make of them, sometimes they just can't live up to the hopes you hold for them. And sometimes, like tonight, its just not possible for you to enjoy them, as sad as that may be.

Liebe Lucy x

*The 'Dear July' concept is taken from Emily Diana Ruth on Youtube*

A-Level Revision

Liebe Lucy,


While this isn't exactly a positive time to capture and remember forever, I thought it might be a time that's interesting to look back on in a few years.

Its exam season. I had 3 AS resit exams from 13th-20th May before leaving school on 21st May for 'study leave'. Study leave is a truly miserable time. To be quite honest, its an achievement these days if I wear anything other than leggings and one of the many hoodies I seem to have acquired over the years emblazoned with the logo of a school I never really liked that much, never mind actually leaving the house. If I do leave the house its never for more than 2 hours and is either to walk to dog or to escape from revision for a bit in the evening before my brain explodes.

Some days are incredibly productive, others...not so much. Today I quite literally tore myself out of bed at 8am determined to get things done in the morning as I've noticed that after lunch time all motivation seems to fizzle out rapidly. While I do think that if I had to keep this up much longer I'd probably actually go insane, I'm all too aware that I just need to keep going for another 2 weeks and then my A-Level exams are out of my hands and I can relax while my future is determined by an examiner.

I'm motivating myself through the use of 'studyblr' which is essentially a side of tumblr that just post pictures of pretty desks and revision notes as well as motivational text posts to keep you going and while it sounds a bit bizarre, at this point whatever keeps me motivated is staying. There's something about seeing someone else's beautiful revision notes that inspires me to get my butt in gear and get working and that's exactly what I need these days. Also as someone who has a visual memory, inspiration to make my notes look nice is always a good thing as it means I'm more likely to retain the information so it's a win win situation.

While I did need to go on emergency bike ride to save myself from insanity last week (I ended up sat at the beach on my own at 9pm on a Thursday night and I don't regret a second of it, I needed it badly) I feel like on the whole I'm coping quite well so far this exam season. We'll see if I still say that in 2 weeks time.

Summary: I hate revision and its a miserable existence, but I'm coping and powering through with the view of a summer of making memories with my friends on the other side to keep me going.

Lucy x

Song Number 100

Liebe Lucy,

In the last 5 days I've written 3 songs which means as I wrote up the one I wrote this evening in the little notebook which replaced the one I filled in October last year it wasn't until I checked the page before to see the number that I realised that this was song number 100.

Since I started documenting my songs in one place (the 2 notebooks) in 2011 I made a point of numbering them so I could easily keep track of them and when I began the new notebook I decided to continue with the previous numbering rather than starting from scratch. When I made the decision to write little numbers in the corner of every page with a song title on it never in a million years did I imagine just how many songs I would write. The fact that I'm 18 years old and have written 100 songs already is a little bit crazy to me, especially as it would seem that the older I get the more songs I write. My aim for 2015 was to write 50 songs within the year and while I have no idea whether or not I'm currently on track for that, hitting 100 songs in 2015 is a pretty huge achievement in itself.

The majority of the songs I write will never see the light of day or be heard by anyone other than me and my 2 best friends who often receive an email with a voice memo from my phone with a (very) rough version of the song I've written 2 minutes before but that doesn't matter to me. The more songs I write the more I write them for me. I used to be very concerned with making my songs relatable (something which I admired a lot in Taylor Swift's writing and wanted to emulate) but these days I've decided that my songs should accurately describe how I feel, not anyone else. If people pick out details and see reflections of their lives in my songs that's awesome, but that's not my main purpose in writing a song. One massive thing that shows this development in my writing is that I wrote a song with names in recently, something I never dreamed I'd ever do 4 years ago. While the names are cryptic and anyone other than my closest friends probably wouldn't be able to figure out who the people in the song represent, the use of names still limits how relatable it can realistically be. And I really don't mind.

Songwriting is my art form. It's how I channel my emotions and when I don't write for a long time I will often then have a surge of pent up ideas and write a lot of songs in a short space of time. I'm an emotional person and whenever I feel strongly about something, I write a song about it. I know now that I will never stop writing songs, even if none of them were ever heard by anyone other than myself. Without writing songs I would have far too many emotions cooped up inside my brain scratching to get out and I would be a very miserable Luce.

I am a songwriter through and through, and one that's proud of their achievements at that.

Lucy x

Leaving School

Last day team photo minus a few team members

Liebe Lucy,

Two years ago I wrote to you a few times in the form of pre-letter blog posts about starting a new school and how terrified I was but how lovely it seemed in my first few weeks. Yesterday I was forced to say goodbye to that school and it's still as lovely as that first day. I will see it for exams and the events we will be invited to over the next year as the 'class of '15' but in terms of spending daily life there our goodbye has been said. I thought this would be a perfect time to let you know my current status with friends, as they are the reason I was sad to leave, not the school itself.

Towards the start of the pub crawl which traditionally follows for Year 13 leaving that school I cried. I'm a private crier and while I do cry alone fairly regularly, I think the last time I cried in public was about 5 years ago and even that was only a few tears so its clear that my emotions were very strong. I found myself literally sobbing in a pub surrounded by my favourite people in the world trying desperately to explain why I was so upset but failing miserably. I don't mind leaving the school. Although I'd like to stay I know I can't and I've accepted that. I do mind leaving the group of people within the school, more specifically not seeing the people I've become friends with all too recently every day anymore. I've only really felt as though I'm properly part of that friendship group for a few weeks and it feels cruel to have our average daily routine of seeing each other ripped away from us before I'd even properly digested the fact that they think of me as a friend. It is no exaggeration to say I'm in a constant state of wonder at every single one of them and why they've chosen to be friends with me and it upsets me greatly to think that I won't have the opportunity to just sit in a room with them working in silence for an hour interspersed with sharing ridiculous or funny things from textbooks, or spending an hour sharing YouTube videos with each other anymore. Those effortless, seemingly mundane exchanges will always be my favourite memories.

I think a big part of why I find it so difficult to accept that I am part of a friendship group is that I never really have felt as though I am before. I've always been one of those people who is on the outskirts and not quite in the centre of it all. Although that very much describes how I was in September, it's hard to deny being in the centre of a friendship group when 4 of your friends go out of their way to spend their Saturday night in a tiny live music venue in the Valleys watching your gig for no reason other than they want to support you. I'm slowly learning how to accept that people actually want me around and I'm not just seen as the annoying one as I always have been, but it's hard for me to do and it takes time which I feel like I've run out of, which is another huge reason I was upset at leaving.

I'm not exaggerating even a little bit when I say my current friendship group is made up of my favourite people in the world. They are the most incredible people I've ever met both individually and as a group. I have an entirely different relationship with each one and each is incredible in their own specific, unique way. If I could I'd explain to each of them what it is I find so great about them, but for now I'll have to stick to writing songs about them that the majority of the time they have no idea are about them. They are incredible, and inspiring, and loving, and caring, and thoughtful, and hilarious and I feel like I've won the jackpot being friends with them.

If any of them ever stumble across this, I love you so very much, and to my future self: please never forget how undefinably happy you were in May 2015.

Lucy x

The Good Old Days

Liebe Lucy,

Making Memories at an 18th Birthday Party

I stumbled across something the other day somewhere in the depths of the internet which may or may not be a quote from The Office which read 'I wish there was a way to know you are in the good old days before you've actually left them'. This made me think a lot, mainly because I think there is.

As I'm in my final year of school, I'm very aware that I will be heading off to university in September leaving behind all of the truly incredible people I've become friends with over the last 2 years. In the last few weeks in particular I've felt more accepted by these people than I possibly ever have before in my life by anyone. I often find myself taking a step back and thinking 'I am so incredibly lucky to know these people'.

Although you never know what the future holds and I know that it's highly likely that there will be another period of my life which may become 'the good old days', but right now I feel like I am there. I know that I will look back on this time in my life and remember the absolute happiness felt and if these are the good old days that I look back on when I'm 90 years old I would be quite happy.

I guess my point is that although you never know what the future holds and the good old days may one day be topped by even better days, taking a step back and noticing how lucky and happy you are can quite easily show you these are the good old days. And I know that these are my good old days.

Lucy x

Wasting Time

Liebe Lucy,

I once read 'time you enjoyed wasting is not wasted time'. It really stuck with me. It's my justification for wasting time singing: time that should be spent doing homework or revising for exams. I guess the basic principal of it goes back to the idea that you should do what you love, no matter how much you might feel like you're wasting your time.

There's something about time passing quickly that worries me. I feel like I'm constantly reminded of how quickly I'm transferring from childhood to adulthood and I'm never quite sure how I feel about that. For a long time it completely terrified me. This time last year the thought of living on my own and attending university was enough to give me so much anxiety I didn't know how to handle it. Very slowly, I'm starting to feel like maybe I can do this. My time anxiety is more to do with what I do between now and then these days.

I'm surrounded by fantastic people at the moment and I want to try and make the most of having them in my life before it's too late. I know that realistically people drift apart and I honestly don't know how many of these people will still be in my life this time next year, not to mention this time in 5, even 10 years. I know I'll remember them, but I want to make sure we have reasons to remember each other. Memories to look back on and reminisce about our last year of school and how much fun we had together. Balancing that with achieving the best I'm capable of in my exams in the summer as well as having time to just do what I want to do is all a little bit daunting.

I'm not sure if time can really be wasted, it can just be spent in different ways, some of which are arguably better than others. That doesn't stop me worrying about the ways in which I spend mine.

Love Lucy x

Where I've Been

Liebe Lucy,

It's been a while since I last wrote to you, but I have been incredibly busy during that time. I've been busy starting my final year of school, applying to universities, organising, writing and directing a pantomime in under a month with 2 other incredible people, celebrating the last Christmas that won't involve a journey home and turning 18.

Year 13 is terrifying and stressful and wonderful all at the same time. I'm very aware of moments that I will look back on in years to come fondly as I remember the person I used to be. Whether it's the moments in the common room kitchen playing Cards Against Humanity with half my year group or the day we took formal photos to remember each other by in 10 years when it's been far too long since we last saw each other, there have been so many beautiful little moments that I'm making sure to hold on to incase I'm ever in need of something to remind me how wonderful my time at that place is.

As the new year rolled in you found yourself officially a fully fledged adult with the ability to buy alcohol, although that is something you are yet to do, with 4 offers from Universities under your belt as you await a reply from the last one. While you are still absolutely terrified at the idea of moving out and living on your own, away from your family, you are beginning to warm to the idea ever so slightly, partly from seeing how much your brother enjoys it but also partly because you have grown a lot since the summer, despite it feeling like not much time having passed.

I'll be letting you know more about some of the other things I've been up to soon, but for now that's all I have for you.

Happy new year,

Love Lucy x