Reading | Dear July | 6

Dear July,

Over the past few months I fell out of love with reading. At the time I put it down to exam stress and simply not wanting to read after spending all my time revising. Normally I fall back in love with reading when the summer rolls around and I have seemingly endless amounts of free time but that's not quite happened this year.

Our time together, July, is usually spent in the sun getting through as many books as possible, more so than my time with any of your friends. I usually spend most of my time with you living in fictional worlds as people other than myself but I simply don't seem to want to do that this year.

After thinking a lot about why I don't want to spend my time with you emerged in an alternate 'reality' I've begun to wonder if it's because this time we meet, July, you find me happier than I've ever been. I wonder if my reliance on fiction has disappeared because reality is a great place for me right now. While I'm not saying that everything is perfect in my life (that's rarely the case in anyone's life, everyone is fighting their own battles, after all) my life curre
ntly feels like I'm living in a fictional world because everything seems to be, well, okay. I think it's rare that so many things can be okay at once and I think my not wanting to read at the moment might be because I'm savouring every minute of my own life, rather than someone else's.

While I definitely don't think this is a bad thing in any way, I would like to spend a little bit more time with my fictional friends than I do at the moment. Maybe with the arrival of your friend, August, I might learn to get the balance a little more even.

Lucy x

Old Friends | Dear July | 5

Dear July,

There's something about old friends that makes them special. There's something that sets them apart from the newer friends. There's something about being around people who have known you since you were 11, some even longer than that. They know your past and personality and while fresh starts are great, sometimes it's nice to go back to people who not only know you that well but are still willing to be your friend after all that time.

People change and grow and generally evolve. I am most definitely not the same person I was 2 years ago yet when I see people I was friends with then, our new selves still manage to find a way to click right back into place. I remain the new version of me, but I guess if you're friends with someone for years there's always a route back to friendship with them.

While I'm very aware of how much I love my new friends, I really had forgotten how happy the old ones make me too. Ironically, not really the people I was in a 'friendship group' with for my last year of school, but the individuals along the way. As much as I want to forget about 11 year old me for many reasons, the fact that these people willingly accepted me as a friend at that time means a lot.

So here's to the ones who've stuck around.

Liebe Lucy x

Doing Loved Things | Dear July | 4

Dear July,

I've often heard the phrase 'do more of what you love'. Until now, I've assumed that means the activities you love. When I hear that phrase my mind jumps straight to music, because it is the thing I'm most passionate about, but over our time together this year, July, I've realised that's not necessarily what that phrase means, for me at least.

I've realised that what makes me the happiest is spending extended amounts of time with the people I love most in the world. Whether that's going away for a few days with a few friends, simply spending time at my local beach with other friends or spending time with my cousins who are back visiting from their home on the other side of the globe, there is nothing that makes me happier than simply spending time with them. Although I do think I have some introvert qualities and at some point I do need time alone to recharge my energy, the last few weeks have reminded me that underneath those qualities I am an extrovert at my core and being around the right people changes my mind state dramatically for the better.

The key point with this, however, is it being the right people. I am incredibly lucky to have absolutely incredible people in my life at the moment, however this has decreased my tolerance for people who do not make me happy. For a long time I felt miserable as a result of toxic friendships that drained the energy from me, probably being the cause for me developing those introvert qualities, and my current friends have, without even being aware of doing so, showed me that life is too short to be around people who don't make you happy. As mean as it may sound, I've realised now that it's okay to be selfish and to do what makes you happy.

I talk a lot about how incredible my friends are but that's because I so whole-heartedly think they are. In complete honesty, I'm still a little amazed at how they've accepted me into their friendship group and I'm still adjusting to the idea of people actually wanting me around rather than merely tolerating me. July, sharing you with them has been an absolute pleasure and we're only half way through our time together. I so very sincerely hope I get to write to you for many more years to come telling you that these wonderful people are still in my life, but for now I'm ignoring the future and truly living in the moment, which is something I've never felt able to do before.

July, thank you for providing me with so much time to share with these people who I love so much.

Liebe Lucy x

Friend Holiday #1 | Dear July | 3

Dear July,

This year we got off to a slightly bumpy start, but all of a sudden things took off and I've barely had time to touch back down before I'm off on more adventures.

You've brought with you a landmark moment in my life already within your first 10 days which makes me optimistic about the remaining 21. In an extremely impulsive and out of character decision, when asked by a friend on Friday if I wanted to go on a 'lads holiday to centre parcs' on Monday, I resisted the urge to say no which is my default answer and after much deliberation, decided on Sunday that there was nothing to lose and I would go, although the plan was to stay until Wednesday instead of Friday. I think the fact that I absent-mindedly packed enough clothes for a few extra days if necessary and ended up staying until lunch-time on Thursday speaks volumes about the trip.

For a long time I've avoided things out of the fear I will feel anxious but recently I've had a change of heart. It is exactly this attitude that has made my anxiety worse, limiting things I feel comfortable with. I've decided that I will no longer miss out on things because of possibilities and I couldn't be more glad that I had this change of heart before going on holiday with friends.

Although I'm at that age where we're playing grown ups, pretending to be adults because of the legal label we were given after our last birthday but still very much figuring out how to live that label, going on holiday with friends really made me realise that I will be okay moving out in September, although I do wish it was those people I was moving in with. Living with friends for 4 days acted as a sort of tester for uni living in my mind and it's made me far more excited than I was before. It also showed me that it's hard to be home sick when you're with people who feel like home.

As friend holidays go, ours was very chilled. We didn't go abroad to an island inhabited mainly by tourists and go clubbing and get drunk every night. We went to a forest in England and played card games and pool and just enjoyed living in each others company for a few days. My favourite moments were quite honestly the little things, like sorting out and eating dinner together or the staying up late chatting purely because we could. Although there aren't really obvious stand out moments in my mind that I will look back on every day and remember, I will remember the trip fondly purely because it made me feel absolutely content when I have struggled to feel that in the last month, and I'm very aware how much of that had to do with the company kept for those 4 days.

So, July, although initially it looked like we weren't going to have as much fun together as we have during our previous encounters, things are certainly looking up and with a family trip to London happening tomorrow, the end of the adventures is not quite in sight yet, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Here's to making many more memories in our time together this year, July.

Lucy x

Bad Days | Dear July | 2

Dear July,

Everyone has good days and bad days. Just like a good day, a bad day can be anything. While it's accepted that on the days that it feels like nothing is going right, it is labelled as a bad day, sometimes the feeling of it being a bad day has very little reasoning behind it.

Sometimes you just wake up with a feeling of not wanting to face the day and that feeling manages to push its way through the entire day. Sometimes you find yourself incredibly upset with a complete inability to pinpoint why that is. Today was one of those days for me.

I've had a few of these days recently, however I have decided to not allow myself to wallow in self-pity as it's never done me any good in the past. Instead of staying at home in bed all day for weeks I have filled my day jam packed tomorrow from late morning until midnight and I really hope that will allow me to forget about whether its a good day or a bad day, and just live it.

Liebe Lucy x

Celebrations | Dear July | 1

Dear July,

The first day I spend with you has always been one filled with birthday celebrations for my mother. This year, while echoing previous years in that respect, its main focus was my Year 13 school prom. The evening flashed by a vision of camera flashes and small talk but something just didn't feel right.

That's always the problem with celebrations as big as prom. They're built up so much that I find they never quite live up to the expectation. While before hand thoughts appear of a magical evening straight out of a disney film, in reality its just a group of people who have spent the last few years together in a room wearing nice clothes and eating food. Maybe that's cynical of me, but its all I could think this evening.

I wasn't in the right mind set for celebrations tonight. I feel like I've viewed the evening through a cloud, detached and unclear. Although I'm sure I'll look back on prom night as a happy evening, in reality, it wasn't really. The best part of the evening was being able to confide in one of my newly best friends everything that was worrying me and get things off my chest that I've been keeping close for far too long. While it was great to have some bonding time with her and honestly I feel like this evening brought us a lot closer, the topic of discussion wasn't exactly a happy one.

Although I often feel celebrations are what you make of them, sometimes they just can't live up to the hopes you hold for them. And sometimes, like tonight, its just not possible for you to enjoy them, as sad as that may be.

Liebe Lucy x

*The 'Dear July' concept is taken from Emily Diana Ruth on Youtube*