Song Number 100

Liebe Lucy,

In the last 5 days I've written 3 songs which means as I wrote up the one I wrote this evening in the little notebook which replaced the one I filled in October last year it wasn't until I checked the page before to see the number that I realised that this was song number 100.

Since I started documenting my songs in one place (the 2 notebooks) in 2011 I made a point of numbering them so I could easily keep track of them and when I began the new notebook I decided to continue with the previous numbering rather than starting from scratch. When I made the decision to write little numbers in the corner of every page with a song title on it never in a million years did I imagine just how many songs I would write. The fact that I'm 18 years old and have written 100 songs already is a little bit crazy to me, especially as it would seem that the older I get the more songs I write. My aim for 2015 was to write 50 songs within the year and while I have no idea whether or not I'm currently on track for that, hitting 100 songs in 2015 is a pretty huge achievement in itself.

The majority of the songs I write will never see the light of day or be heard by anyone other than me and my 2 best friends who often receive an email with a voice memo from my phone with a (very) rough version of the song I've written 2 minutes before but that doesn't matter to me. The more songs I write the more I write them for me. I used to be very concerned with making my songs relatable (something which I admired a lot in Taylor Swift's writing and wanted to emulate) but these days I've decided that my songs should accurately describe how I feel, not anyone else. If people pick out details and see reflections of their lives in my songs that's awesome, but that's not my main purpose in writing a song. One massive thing that shows this development in my writing is that I wrote a song with names in recently, something I never dreamed I'd ever do 4 years ago. While the names are cryptic and anyone other than my closest friends probably wouldn't be able to figure out who the people in the song represent, the use of names still limits how relatable it can realistically be. And I really don't mind.

Songwriting is my art form. It's how I channel my emotions and when I don't write for a long time I will often then have a surge of pent up ideas and write a lot of songs in a short space of time. I'm an emotional person and whenever I feel strongly about something, I write a song about it. I know now that I will never stop writing songs, even if none of them were ever heard by anyone other than myself. Without writing songs I would have far too many emotions cooped up inside my brain scratching to get out and I would be a very miserable Luce.

I am a songwriter through and through, and one that's proud of their achievements at that.

Lucy x

Leaving School

Last day team photo minus a few team members

Liebe Lucy,

Two years ago I wrote to you a few times in the form of pre-letter blog posts about starting a new school and how terrified I was but how lovely it seemed in my first few weeks. Yesterday I was forced to say goodbye to that school and it's still as lovely as that first day. I will see it for exams and the events we will be invited to over the next year as the 'class of '15' but in terms of spending daily life there our goodbye has been said. I thought this would be a perfect time to let you know my current status with friends, as they are the reason I was sad to leave, not the school itself.

Towards the start of the pub crawl which traditionally follows for Year 13 leaving that school I cried. I'm a private crier and while I do cry alone fairly regularly, I think the last time I cried in public was about 5 years ago and even that was only a few tears so its clear that my emotions were very strong. I found myself literally sobbing in a pub surrounded by my favourite people in the world trying desperately to explain why I was so upset but failing miserably. I don't mind leaving the school. Although I'd like to stay I know I can't and I've accepted that. I do mind leaving the group of people within the school, more specifically not seeing the people I've become friends with all too recently every day anymore. I've only really felt as though I'm properly part of that friendship group for a few weeks and it feels cruel to have our average daily routine of seeing each other ripped away from us before I'd even properly digested the fact that they think of me as a friend. It is no exaggeration to say I'm in a constant state of wonder at every single one of them and why they've chosen to be friends with me and it upsets me greatly to think that I won't have the opportunity to just sit in a room with them working in silence for an hour interspersed with sharing ridiculous or funny things from textbooks, or spending an hour sharing YouTube videos with each other anymore. Those effortless, seemingly mundane exchanges will always be my favourite memories.

I think a big part of why I find it so difficult to accept that I am part of a friendship group is that I never really have felt as though I am before. I've always been one of those people who is on the outskirts and not quite in the centre of it all. Although that very much describes how I was in September, it's hard to deny being in the centre of a friendship group when 4 of your friends go out of their way to spend their Saturday night in a tiny live music venue in the Valleys watching your gig for no reason other than they want to support you. I'm slowly learning how to accept that people actually want me around and I'm not just seen as the annoying one as I always have been, but it's hard for me to do and it takes time which I feel like I've run out of, which is another huge reason I was upset at leaving.

I'm not exaggerating even a little bit when I say my current friendship group is made up of my favourite people in the world. They are the most incredible people I've ever met both individually and as a group. I have an entirely different relationship with each one and each is incredible in their own specific, unique way. If I could I'd explain to each of them what it is I find so great about them, but for now I'll have to stick to writing songs about them that the majority of the time they have no idea are about them. They are incredible, and inspiring, and loving, and caring, and thoughtful, and hilarious and I feel like I've won the jackpot being friends with them.

If any of them ever stumble across this, I love you so very much, and to my future self: please never forget how undefinably happy you were in May 2015.

Lucy x

The Good Old Days

Liebe Lucy,

Making Memories at an 18th Birthday Party

I stumbled across something the other day somewhere in the depths of the internet which may or may not be a quote from The Office which read 'I wish there was a way to know you are in the good old days before you've actually left them'. This made me think a lot, mainly because I think there is.

As I'm in my final year of school, I'm very aware that I will be heading off to university in September leaving behind all of the truly incredible people I've become friends with over the last 2 years. In the last few weeks in particular I've felt more accepted by these people than I possibly ever have before in my life by anyone. I often find myself taking a step back and thinking 'I am so incredibly lucky to know these people'.

Although you never know what the future holds and I know that it's highly likely that there will be another period of my life which may become 'the good old days', but right now I feel like I am there. I know that I will look back on this time in my life and remember the absolute happiness felt and if these are the good old days that I look back on when I'm 90 years old I would be quite happy.

I guess my point is that although you never know what the future holds and the good old days may one day be topped by even better days, taking a step back and noticing how lucky and happy you are can quite easily show you these are the good old days. And I know that these are my good old days.

Lucy x