Fireworks

Liebe Lucy,

In a shocking turn of events the last month has been a complete whirlwind. I realise that is a phrase I use often, but it is not one that I use lightly.

Since getting to university, things have just got better and better, and I realised a few nights ago while watching the fireworks what a predictable but apt metaphor for my life right now they were.

I realise this is the most stereotypical and cringe-worthy metaphor imaginable but just bear with me on this. Fireworks are beautiful but fleeting. Like fireworks, intense moments of happiness feel like they last a split second, but are beautiful enough to be remembered, and bright enough to leave a little mark after they've gone.

To me, fireworks are little pockets of magic that visualise something incredible. They look like they shouldn't be possible, yet they are. Bright lights shooting across the sky just have a habit for reminding me that even when things are at their worst, like when there is total darkness, it only takes something tiny to completely light up everything. And while it may not last long, while it does it is truly incredible.

At the risk of sounding like Katy Perry, I guess my point is that sometimes when people enter your life initially it can be like fireworks. Whether that's because they are so incredible that you can do little more than just wonder at them or whether its because they know how to make you so happy you feel like a firework yourself, they can cause happiness only comparable to bright colours in the sky or little pockets of magic.

Right now my life is full of fireworks.

Lucy x

Being Comfortable

Liebe Lucy,


Over the last few months this blog has sort of become my way or portraying to my future self how fantastic 2015 (so far) has been for me and how incredible my friends are. In a few short days I will be moving 2.5 hours away where I know one person in the whole city. Tonight, after meeting up with the people I love most in the world (minus those who have already left for uni), I'm left trying to convince myself that sometimes things scare us and we just have to do them anyway.

The prospect of university is terrifying to me. I'm not a massive drinker and find the whole 'fresher' culture extremely intimidating, not to mention the moving away where I don't know anyone and living with people I've never met. While I hope more than anything that I look back on this post and think 'I can't believe I didn't even know ____ then', it is still absolutely terrifying and there is absolutely a chance that I will hate it. But that's something I have to find out and the only way to do that is by trying.

I have become extremely comfortable in my school friendship group. I would not hesitate to go to any one of them if I needed them for anything. They are home. And while home is the most comfortable place there is, sooner or later you have to leave but that doesn't mean you don't return home. While talking about a 'family' Christmas meal and what we're going to do for New Year feels incredibly premature (what with it being September and everything) it comforts me to know that those I'm most comfortable with feel the same and have a similar sense of wanting to cling to what we currently have.

It won't be the same when we get home for Christmas. That much I'm sure of. We will all have grown and changed, even if only slightly. It would be naive to think we will never change but just because we change, the group doesn't have to. And while I do worry on the surface that they will all make new, better friends and completely forget about me, I know deep down that even if they do find new friends and even if those friends are better than me, they can never have new school friends, and that is what I will cling to.

To those of you who will forever be my school friends, thank you, for being home.

Lucy x

Goodbyes

Liebe Lucy,

You would've thought with all the goodbyes I have said in my life I would be used to them. I am not.

By the age of 8, 3 of my best friends had moved away. The last being my best friend in the entire world who often passed as my twin back in the day. Since then I have said goodbye to many more friends as they've all moved away.

In addition to that, I have 2 cousins and an Aunt and Uncle who live in New Zealand. Bearing in mind I live in the UK, it's pretty obvious that there are goodbyes every time they visit that are harder than anything else.

Recently I left Sixth Form and said goodbye to everyone there. I thought the last day was saying goodbye, but I realise now that that wasn't even half of it. The time has come for us to all split up and head our separate ways as we go off to university, and this is the real goodbye, even if it is a temporary one.

Today I went to the beach with my friends as a little goodbye thing for the ones heading off this weekend. We didn't make a big deal about the fact they were going, we just utilised the time we have together.

Saying goodbye to them was just as hard as every goodbye I've said so far.

There's something about goodbyes that even when they're temporary they still fill you with an ache that cannot be compared to anything else. Missing someone is such a unique feeling, and goodbyes feel like a preemptive missing.

I know that we are heading off on our own adventures, but I still hope that our adventures together aren't over yet.

Lucy x

Old Friends | Dear July | 5

Dear July,

There's something about old friends that makes them special. There's something that sets them apart from the newer friends. There's something about being around people who have known you since you were 11, some even longer than that. They know your past and personality and while fresh starts are great, sometimes it's nice to go back to people who not only know you that well but are still willing to be your friend after all that time.

People change and grow and generally evolve. I am most definitely not the same person I was 2 years ago yet when I see people I was friends with then, our new selves still manage to find a way to click right back into place. I remain the new version of me, but I guess if you're friends with someone for years there's always a route back to friendship with them.

While I'm very aware of how much I love my new friends, I really had forgotten how happy the old ones make me too. Ironically, not really the people I was in a 'friendship group' with for my last year of school, but the individuals along the way. As much as I want to forget about 11 year old me for many reasons, the fact that these people willingly accepted me as a friend at that time means a lot.

So here's to the ones who've stuck around.

Liebe Lucy x

Doing Loved Things | Dear July | 4

Dear July,

I've often heard the phrase 'do more of what you love'. Until now, I've assumed that means the activities you love. When I hear that phrase my mind jumps straight to music, because it is the thing I'm most passionate about, but over our time together this year, July, I've realised that's not necessarily what that phrase means, for me at least.

I've realised that what makes me the happiest is spending extended amounts of time with the people I love most in the world. Whether that's going away for a few days with a few friends, simply spending time at my local beach with other friends or spending time with my cousins who are back visiting from their home on the other side of the globe, there is nothing that makes me happier than simply spending time with them. Although I do think I have some introvert qualities and at some point I do need time alone to recharge my energy, the last few weeks have reminded me that underneath those qualities I am an extrovert at my core and being around the right people changes my mind state dramatically for the better.

The key point with this, however, is it being the right people. I am incredibly lucky to have absolutely incredible people in my life at the moment, however this has decreased my tolerance for people who do not make me happy. For a long time I felt miserable as a result of toxic friendships that drained the energy from me, probably being the cause for me developing those introvert qualities, and my current friends have, without even being aware of doing so, showed me that life is too short to be around people who don't make you happy. As mean as it may sound, I've realised now that it's okay to be selfish and to do what makes you happy.

I talk a lot about how incredible my friends are but that's because I so whole-heartedly think they are. In complete honesty, I'm still a little amazed at how they've accepted me into their friendship group and I'm still adjusting to the idea of people actually wanting me around rather than merely tolerating me. July, sharing you with them has been an absolute pleasure and we're only half way through our time together. I so very sincerely hope I get to write to you for many more years to come telling you that these wonderful people are still in my life, but for now I'm ignoring the future and truly living in the moment, which is something I've never felt able to do before.

July, thank you for providing me with so much time to share with these people who I love so much.

Liebe Lucy x

Friend Holiday #1 | Dear July | 3

Dear July,

This year we got off to a slightly bumpy start, but all of a sudden things took off and I've barely had time to touch back down before I'm off on more adventures.

You've brought with you a landmark moment in my life already within your first 10 days which makes me optimistic about the remaining 21. In an extremely impulsive and out of character decision, when asked by a friend on Friday if I wanted to go on a 'lads holiday to centre parcs' on Monday, I resisted the urge to say no which is my default answer and after much deliberation, decided on Sunday that there was nothing to lose and I would go, although the plan was to stay until Wednesday instead of Friday. I think the fact that I absent-mindedly packed enough clothes for a few extra days if necessary and ended up staying until lunch-time on Thursday speaks volumes about the trip.

For a long time I've avoided things out of the fear I will feel anxious but recently I've had a change of heart. It is exactly this attitude that has made my anxiety worse, limiting things I feel comfortable with. I've decided that I will no longer miss out on things because of possibilities and I couldn't be more glad that I had this change of heart before going on holiday with friends.

Although I'm at that age where we're playing grown ups, pretending to be adults because of the legal label we were given after our last birthday but still very much figuring out how to live that label, going on holiday with friends really made me realise that I will be okay moving out in September, although I do wish it was those people I was moving in with. Living with friends for 4 days acted as a sort of tester for uni living in my mind and it's made me far more excited than I was before. It also showed me that it's hard to be home sick when you're with people who feel like home.

As friend holidays go, ours was very chilled. We didn't go abroad to an island inhabited mainly by tourists and go clubbing and get drunk every night. We went to a forest in England and played card games and pool and just enjoyed living in each others company for a few days. My favourite moments were quite honestly the little things, like sorting out and eating dinner together or the staying up late chatting purely because we could. Although there aren't really obvious stand out moments in my mind that I will look back on every day and remember, I will remember the trip fondly purely because it made me feel absolutely content when I have struggled to feel that in the last month, and I'm very aware how much of that had to do with the company kept for those 4 days.

So, July, although initially it looked like we weren't going to have as much fun together as we have during our previous encounters, things are certainly looking up and with a family trip to London happening tomorrow, the end of the adventures is not quite in sight yet, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Here's to making many more memories in our time together this year, July.

Lucy x

Celebrations | Dear July | 1

Dear July,

The first day I spend with you has always been one filled with birthday celebrations for my mother. This year, while echoing previous years in that respect, its main focus was my Year 13 school prom. The evening flashed by a vision of camera flashes and small talk but something just didn't feel right.

That's always the problem with celebrations as big as prom. They're built up so much that I find they never quite live up to the expectation. While before hand thoughts appear of a magical evening straight out of a disney film, in reality its just a group of people who have spent the last few years together in a room wearing nice clothes and eating food. Maybe that's cynical of me, but its all I could think this evening.

I wasn't in the right mind set for celebrations tonight. I feel like I've viewed the evening through a cloud, detached and unclear. Although I'm sure I'll look back on prom night as a happy evening, in reality, it wasn't really. The best part of the evening was being able to confide in one of my newly best friends everything that was worrying me and get things off my chest that I've been keeping close for far too long. While it was great to have some bonding time with her and honestly I feel like this evening brought us a lot closer, the topic of discussion wasn't exactly a happy one.

Although I often feel celebrations are what you make of them, sometimes they just can't live up to the hopes you hold for them. And sometimes, like tonight, its just not possible for you to enjoy them, as sad as that may be.

Liebe Lucy x

*The 'Dear July' concept is taken from Emily Diana Ruth on Youtube*

Leaving School

Last day team photo minus a few team members

Liebe Lucy,

Two years ago I wrote to you a few times in the form of pre-letter blog posts about starting a new school and how terrified I was but how lovely it seemed in my first few weeks. Yesterday I was forced to say goodbye to that school and it's still as lovely as that first day. I will see it for exams and the events we will be invited to over the next year as the 'class of '15' but in terms of spending daily life there our goodbye has been said. I thought this would be a perfect time to let you know my current status with friends, as they are the reason I was sad to leave, not the school itself.

Towards the start of the pub crawl which traditionally follows for Year 13 leaving that school I cried. I'm a private crier and while I do cry alone fairly regularly, I think the last time I cried in public was about 5 years ago and even that was only a few tears so its clear that my emotions were very strong. I found myself literally sobbing in a pub surrounded by my favourite people in the world trying desperately to explain why I was so upset but failing miserably. I don't mind leaving the school. Although I'd like to stay I know I can't and I've accepted that. I do mind leaving the group of people within the school, more specifically not seeing the people I've become friends with all too recently every day anymore. I've only really felt as though I'm properly part of that friendship group for a few weeks and it feels cruel to have our average daily routine of seeing each other ripped away from us before I'd even properly digested the fact that they think of me as a friend. It is no exaggeration to say I'm in a constant state of wonder at every single one of them and why they've chosen to be friends with me and it upsets me greatly to think that I won't have the opportunity to just sit in a room with them working in silence for an hour interspersed with sharing ridiculous or funny things from textbooks, or spending an hour sharing YouTube videos with each other anymore. Those effortless, seemingly mundane exchanges will always be my favourite memories.

I think a big part of why I find it so difficult to accept that I am part of a friendship group is that I never really have felt as though I am before. I've always been one of those people who is on the outskirts and not quite in the centre of it all. Although that very much describes how I was in September, it's hard to deny being in the centre of a friendship group when 4 of your friends go out of their way to spend their Saturday night in a tiny live music venue in the Valleys watching your gig for no reason other than they want to support you. I'm slowly learning how to accept that people actually want me around and I'm not just seen as the annoying one as I always have been, but it's hard for me to do and it takes time which I feel like I've run out of, which is another huge reason I was upset at leaving.

I'm not exaggerating even a little bit when I say my current friendship group is made up of my favourite people in the world. They are the most incredible people I've ever met both individually and as a group. I have an entirely different relationship with each one and each is incredible in their own specific, unique way. If I could I'd explain to each of them what it is I find so great about them, but for now I'll have to stick to writing songs about them that the majority of the time they have no idea are about them. They are incredible, and inspiring, and loving, and caring, and thoughtful, and hilarious and I feel like I've won the jackpot being friends with them.

If any of them ever stumble across this, I love you so very much, and to my future self: please never forget how undefinably happy you were in May 2015.

Lucy x

The Good Old Days

Liebe Lucy,

Making Memories at an 18th Birthday Party

I stumbled across something the other day somewhere in the depths of the internet which may or may not be a quote from The Office which read 'I wish there was a way to know you are in the good old days before you've actually left them'. This made me think a lot, mainly because I think there is.

As I'm in my final year of school, I'm very aware that I will be heading off to university in September leaving behind all of the truly incredible people I've become friends with over the last 2 years. In the last few weeks in particular I've felt more accepted by these people than I possibly ever have before in my life by anyone. I often find myself taking a step back and thinking 'I am so incredibly lucky to know these people'.

Although you never know what the future holds and I know that it's highly likely that there will be another period of my life which may become 'the good old days', but right now I feel like I am there. I know that I will look back on this time in my life and remember the absolute happiness felt and if these are the good old days that I look back on when I'm 90 years old I would be quite happy.

I guess my point is that although you never know what the future holds and the good old days may one day be topped by even better days, taking a step back and noticing how lucky and happy you are can quite easily show you these are the good old days. And I know that these are my good old days.

Lucy x