Being Comfortable

Liebe Lucy,


Over the last few months this blog has sort of become my way or portraying to my future self how fantastic 2015 (so far) has been for me and how incredible my friends are. In a few short days I will be moving 2.5 hours away where I know one person in the whole city. Tonight, after meeting up with the people I love most in the world (minus those who have already left for uni), I'm left trying to convince myself that sometimes things scare us and we just have to do them anyway.

The prospect of university is terrifying to me. I'm not a massive drinker and find the whole 'fresher' culture extremely intimidating, not to mention the moving away where I don't know anyone and living with people I've never met. While I hope more than anything that I look back on this post and think 'I can't believe I didn't even know ____ then', it is still absolutely terrifying and there is absolutely a chance that I will hate it. But that's something I have to find out and the only way to do that is by trying.

I have become extremely comfortable in my school friendship group. I would not hesitate to go to any one of them if I needed them for anything. They are home. And while home is the most comfortable place there is, sooner or later you have to leave but that doesn't mean you don't return home. While talking about a 'family' Christmas meal and what we're going to do for New Year feels incredibly premature (what with it being September and everything) it comforts me to know that those I'm most comfortable with feel the same and have a similar sense of wanting to cling to what we currently have.

It won't be the same when we get home for Christmas. That much I'm sure of. We will all have grown and changed, even if only slightly. It would be naive to think we will never change but just because we change, the group doesn't have to. And while I do worry on the surface that they will all make new, better friends and completely forget about me, I know deep down that even if they do find new friends and even if those friends are better than me, they can never have new school friends, and that is what I will cling to.

To those of you who will forever be my school friends, thank you, for being home.

Lucy x

Goodbyes

Liebe Lucy,

You would've thought with all the goodbyes I have said in my life I would be used to them. I am not.

By the age of 8, 3 of my best friends had moved away. The last being my best friend in the entire world who often passed as my twin back in the day. Since then I have said goodbye to many more friends as they've all moved away.

In addition to that, I have 2 cousins and an Aunt and Uncle who live in New Zealand. Bearing in mind I live in the UK, it's pretty obvious that there are goodbyes every time they visit that are harder than anything else.

Recently I left Sixth Form and said goodbye to everyone there. I thought the last day was saying goodbye, but I realise now that that wasn't even half of it. The time has come for us to all split up and head our separate ways as we go off to university, and this is the real goodbye, even if it is a temporary one.

Today I went to the beach with my friends as a little goodbye thing for the ones heading off this weekend. We didn't make a big deal about the fact they were going, we just utilised the time we have together.

Saying goodbye to them was just as hard as every goodbye I've said so far.

There's something about goodbyes that even when they're temporary they still fill you with an ache that cannot be compared to anything else. Missing someone is such a unique feeling, and goodbyes feel like a preemptive missing.

I know that we are heading off on our own adventures, but I still hope that our adventures together aren't over yet.

Lucy x

The Impact of A Teacher

Liebe Lucy,

Earlier this evening I received the incredibly sad news that the man who introduced me to the German language back in those year 7 lessons has passed away. It has come as a shock to the whole community due to him being so young but it has also made me stop and think about the impact he has had on my life.

I distinctly remember being incredibly annoyed that I would be taking German lessons instead of French lessons (we had no choice) until I stepped foot in that classroom. As soon as I met my teacher I knew that it didn't matter what language he was teaching me, we would have fun doing so anyway. Like most people, my misconceptions that German is an 'ugly' language etc etc were strong, until he proved them all wrong. While he only taught me for a year, that year without a doubt had an impact on my perspective of German. He taught me that languages in general are, surprisingly, fun and that it doesn't have to be just sitting down and copying things out over and over again. Rarely a lesson passed by that something wasn't thrown across the classroom in some vocab learning game or another and, to his credit, we all listened because of his unique approach.

His time as a teacher was tragically short, but the number of people who are talking about him and are affected by his death speaks volumes. He impacted so many people, whether academically or through his ability to just understand people, and truly will be missed.

I'm sad that I never got to tell him that I am pursuing German to degree level starting in September, but I will always be thankful for the fantastic head start he gave me.

Lucy x

Celebrations | Dear July | 1

Dear July,

The first day I spend with you has always been one filled with birthday celebrations for my mother. This year, while echoing previous years in that respect, its main focus was my Year 13 school prom. The evening flashed by a vision of camera flashes and small talk but something just didn't feel right.

That's always the problem with celebrations as big as prom. They're built up so much that I find they never quite live up to the expectation. While before hand thoughts appear of a magical evening straight out of a disney film, in reality its just a group of people who have spent the last few years together in a room wearing nice clothes and eating food. Maybe that's cynical of me, but its all I could think this evening.

I wasn't in the right mind set for celebrations tonight. I feel like I've viewed the evening through a cloud, detached and unclear. Although I'm sure I'll look back on prom night as a happy evening, in reality, it wasn't really. The best part of the evening was being able to confide in one of my newly best friends everything that was worrying me and get things off my chest that I've been keeping close for far too long. While it was great to have some bonding time with her and honestly I feel like this evening brought us a lot closer, the topic of discussion wasn't exactly a happy one.

Although I often feel celebrations are what you make of them, sometimes they just can't live up to the hopes you hold for them. And sometimes, like tonight, its just not possible for you to enjoy them, as sad as that may be.

Liebe Lucy x

*The 'Dear July' concept is taken from Emily Diana Ruth on Youtube*

A-Level Revision

Liebe Lucy,


While this isn't exactly a positive time to capture and remember forever, I thought it might be a time that's interesting to look back on in a few years.

Its exam season. I had 3 AS resit exams from 13th-20th May before leaving school on 21st May for 'study leave'. Study leave is a truly miserable time. To be quite honest, its an achievement these days if I wear anything other than leggings and one of the many hoodies I seem to have acquired over the years emblazoned with the logo of a school I never really liked that much, never mind actually leaving the house. If I do leave the house its never for more than 2 hours and is either to walk to dog or to escape from revision for a bit in the evening before my brain explodes.

Some days are incredibly productive, others...not so much. Today I quite literally tore myself out of bed at 8am determined to get things done in the morning as I've noticed that after lunch time all motivation seems to fizzle out rapidly. While I do think that if I had to keep this up much longer I'd probably actually go insane, I'm all too aware that I just need to keep going for another 2 weeks and then my A-Level exams are out of my hands and I can relax while my future is determined by an examiner.

I'm motivating myself through the use of 'studyblr' which is essentially a side of tumblr that just post pictures of pretty desks and revision notes as well as motivational text posts to keep you going and while it sounds a bit bizarre, at this point whatever keeps me motivated is staying. There's something about seeing someone else's beautiful revision notes that inspires me to get my butt in gear and get working and that's exactly what I need these days. Also as someone who has a visual memory, inspiration to make my notes look nice is always a good thing as it means I'm more likely to retain the information so it's a win win situation.

While I did need to go on emergency bike ride to save myself from insanity last week (I ended up sat at the beach on my own at 9pm on a Thursday night and I don't regret a second of it, I needed it badly) I feel like on the whole I'm coping quite well so far this exam season. We'll see if I still say that in 2 weeks time.

Summary: I hate revision and its a miserable existence, but I'm coping and powering through with the view of a summer of making memories with my friends on the other side to keep me going.

Lucy x

Leaving School

Last day team photo minus a few team members

Liebe Lucy,

Two years ago I wrote to you a few times in the form of pre-letter blog posts about starting a new school and how terrified I was but how lovely it seemed in my first few weeks. Yesterday I was forced to say goodbye to that school and it's still as lovely as that first day. I will see it for exams and the events we will be invited to over the next year as the 'class of '15' but in terms of spending daily life there our goodbye has been said. I thought this would be a perfect time to let you know my current status with friends, as they are the reason I was sad to leave, not the school itself.

Towards the start of the pub crawl which traditionally follows for Year 13 leaving that school I cried. I'm a private crier and while I do cry alone fairly regularly, I think the last time I cried in public was about 5 years ago and even that was only a few tears so its clear that my emotions were very strong. I found myself literally sobbing in a pub surrounded by my favourite people in the world trying desperately to explain why I was so upset but failing miserably. I don't mind leaving the school. Although I'd like to stay I know I can't and I've accepted that. I do mind leaving the group of people within the school, more specifically not seeing the people I've become friends with all too recently every day anymore. I've only really felt as though I'm properly part of that friendship group for a few weeks and it feels cruel to have our average daily routine of seeing each other ripped away from us before I'd even properly digested the fact that they think of me as a friend. It is no exaggeration to say I'm in a constant state of wonder at every single one of them and why they've chosen to be friends with me and it upsets me greatly to think that I won't have the opportunity to just sit in a room with them working in silence for an hour interspersed with sharing ridiculous or funny things from textbooks, or spending an hour sharing YouTube videos with each other anymore. Those effortless, seemingly mundane exchanges will always be my favourite memories.

I think a big part of why I find it so difficult to accept that I am part of a friendship group is that I never really have felt as though I am before. I've always been one of those people who is on the outskirts and not quite in the centre of it all. Although that very much describes how I was in September, it's hard to deny being in the centre of a friendship group when 4 of your friends go out of their way to spend their Saturday night in a tiny live music venue in the Valleys watching your gig for no reason other than they want to support you. I'm slowly learning how to accept that people actually want me around and I'm not just seen as the annoying one as I always have been, but it's hard for me to do and it takes time which I feel like I've run out of, which is another huge reason I was upset at leaving.

I'm not exaggerating even a little bit when I say my current friendship group is made up of my favourite people in the world. They are the most incredible people I've ever met both individually and as a group. I have an entirely different relationship with each one and each is incredible in their own specific, unique way. If I could I'd explain to each of them what it is I find so great about them, but for now I'll have to stick to writing songs about them that the majority of the time they have no idea are about them. They are incredible, and inspiring, and loving, and caring, and thoughtful, and hilarious and I feel like I've won the jackpot being friends with them.

If any of them ever stumble across this, I love you so very much, and to my future self: please never forget how undefinably happy you were in May 2015.

Lucy x

The Good Old Days

Liebe Lucy,

Making Memories at an 18th Birthday Party

I stumbled across something the other day somewhere in the depths of the internet which may or may not be a quote from The Office which read 'I wish there was a way to know you are in the good old days before you've actually left them'. This made me think a lot, mainly because I think there is.

As I'm in my final year of school, I'm very aware that I will be heading off to university in September leaving behind all of the truly incredible people I've become friends with over the last 2 years. In the last few weeks in particular I've felt more accepted by these people than I possibly ever have before in my life by anyone. I often find myself taking a step back and thinking 'I am so incredibly lucky to know these people'.

Although you never know what the future holds and I know that it's highly likely that there will be another period of my life which may become 'the good old days', but right now I feel like I am there. I know that I will look back on this time in my life and remember the absolute happiness felt and if these are the good old days that I look back on when I'm 90 years old I would be quite happy.

I guess my point is that although you never know what the future holds and the good old days may one day be topped by even better days, taking a step back and noticing how lucky and happy you are can quite easily show you these are the good old days. And I know that these are my good old days.

Lucy x