A-Level Revision

Liebe Lucy,


While this isn't exactly a positive time to capture and remember forever, I thought it might be a time that's interesting to look back on in a few years.

Its exam season. I had 3 AS resit exams from 13th-20th May before leaving school on 21st May for 'study leave'. Study leave is a truly miserable time. To be quite honest, its an achievement these days if I wear anything other than leggings and one of the many hoodies I seem to have acquired over the years emblazoned with the logo of a school I never really liked that much, never mind actually leaving the house. If I do leave the house its never for more than 2 hours and is either to walk to dog or to escape from revision for a bit in the evening before my brain explodes.

Some days are incredibly productive, others...not so much. Today I quite literally tore myself out of bed at 8am determined to get things done in the morning as I've noticed that after lunch time all motivation seems to fizzle out rapidly. While I do think that if I had to keep this up much longer I'd probably actually go insane, I'm all too aware that I just need to keep going for another 2 weeks and then my A-Level exams are out of my hands and I can relax while my future is determined by an examiner.

I'm motivating myself through the use of 'studyblr' which is essentially a side of tumblr that just post pictures of pretty desks and revision notes as well as motivational text posts to keep you going and while it sounds a bit bizarre, at this point whatever keeps me motivated is staying. There's something about seeing someone else's beautiful revision notes that inspires me to get my butt in gear and get working and that's exactly what I need these days. Also as someone who has a visual memory, inspiration to make my notes look nice is always a good thing as it means I'm more likely to retain the information so it's a win win situation.

While I did need to go on emergency bike ride to save myself from insanity last week (I ended up sat at the beach on my own at 9pm on a Thursday night and I don't regret a second of it, I needed it badly) I feel like on the whole I'm coping quite well so far this exam season. We'll see if I still say that in 2 weeks time.

Summary: I hate revision and its a miserable existence, but I'm coping and powering through with the view of a summer of making memories with my friends on the other side to keep me going.

Lucy x

Song Number 100

Liebe Lucy,

In the last 5 days I've written 3 songs which means as I wrote up the one I wrote this evening in the little notebook which replaced the one I filled in October last year it wasn't until I checked the page before to see the number that I realised that this was song number 100.

Since I started documenting my songs in one place (the 2 notebooks) in 2011 I made a point of numbering them so I could easily keep track of them and when I began the new notebook I decided to continue with the previous numbering rather than starting from scratch. When I made the decision to write little numbers in the corner of every page with a song title on it never in a million years did I imagine just how many songs I would write. The fact that I'm 18 years old and have written 100 songs already is a little bit crazy to me, especially as it would seem that the older I get the more songs I write. My aim for 2015 was to write 50 songs within the year and while I have no idea whether or not I'm currently on track for that, hitting 100 songs in 2015 is a pretty huge achievement in itself.

The majority of the songs I write will never see the light of day or be heard by anyone other than me and my 2 best friends who often receive an email with a voice memo from my phone with a (very) rough version of the song I've written 2 minutes before but that doesn't matter to me. The more songs I write the more I write them for me. I used to be very concerned with making my songs relatable (something which I admired a lot in Taylor Swift's writing and wanted to emulate) but these days I've decided that my songs should accurately describe how I feel, not anyone else. If people pick out details and see reflections of their lives in my songs that's awesome, but that's not my main purpose in writing a song. One massive thing that shows this development in my writing is that I wrote a song with names in recently, something I never dreamed I'd ever do 4 years ago. While the names are cryptic and anyone other than my closest friends probably wouldn't be able to figure out who the people in the song represent, the use of names still limits how relatable it can realistically be. And I really don't mind.

Songwriting is my art form. It's how I channel my emotions and when I don't write for a long time I will often then have a surge of pent up ideas and write a lot of songs in a short space of time. I'm an emotional person and whenever I feel strongly about something, I write a song about it. I know now that I will never stop writing songs, even if none of them were ever heard by anyone other than myself. Without writing songs I would have far too many emotions cooped up inside my brain scratching to get out and I would be a very miserable Luce.

I am a songwriter through and through, and one that's proud of their achievements at that.

Lucy x

Leaving School

Last day team photo minus a few team members

Liebe Lucy,

Two years ago I wrote to you a few times in the form of pre-letter blog posts about starting a new school and how terrified I was but how lovely it seemed in my first few weeks. Yesterday I was forced to say goodbye to that school and it's still as lovely as that first day. I will see it for exams and the events we will be invited to over the next year as the 'class of '15' but in terms of spending daily life there our goodbye has been said. I thought this would be a perfect time to let you know my current status with friends, as they are the reason I was sad to leave, not the school itself.

Towards the start of the pub crawl which traditionally follows for Year 13 leaving that school I cried. I'm a private crier and while I do cry alone fairly regularly, I think the last time I cried in public was about 5 years ago and even that was only a few tears so its clear that my emotions were very strong. I found myself literally sobbing in a pub surrounded by my favourite people in the world trying desperately to explain why I was so upset but failing miserably. I don't mind leaving the school. Although I'd like to stay I know I can't and I've accepted that. I do mind leaving the group of people within the school, more specifically not seeing the people I've become friends with all too recently every day anymore. I've only really felt as though I'm properly part of that friendship group for a few weeks and it feels cruel to have our average daily routine of seeing each other ripped away from us before I'd even properly digested the fact that they think of me as a friend. It is no exaggeration to say I'm in a constant state of wonder at every single one of them and why they've chosen to be friends with me and it upsets me greatly to think that I won't have the opportunity to just sit in a room with them working in silence for an hour interspersed with sharing ridiculous or funny things from textbooks, or spending an hour sharing YouTube videos with each other anymore. Those effortless, seemingly mundane exchanges will always be my favourite memories.

I think a big part of why I find it so difficult to accept that I am part of a friendship group is that I never really have felt as though I am before. I've always been one of those people who is on the outskirts and not quite in the centre of it all. Although that very much describes how I was in September, it's hard to deny being in the centre of a friendship group when 4 of your friends go out of their way to spend their Saturday night in a tiny live music venue in the Valleys watching your gig for no reason other than they want to support you. I'm slowly learning how to accept that people actually want me around and I'm not just seen as the annoying one as I always have been, but it's hard for me to do and it takes time which I feel like I've run out of, which is another huge reason I was upset at leaving.

I'm not exaggerating even a little bit when I say my current friendship group is made up of my favourite people in the world. They are the most incredible people I've ever met both individually and as a group. I have an entirely different relationship with each one and each is incredible in their own specific, unique way. If I could I'd explain to each of them what it is I find so great about them, but for now I'll have to stick to writing songs about them that the majority of the time they have no idea are about them. They are incredible, and inspiring, and loving, and caring, and thoughtful, and hilarious and I feel like I've won the jackpot being friends with them.

If any of them ever stumble across this, I love you so very much, and to my future self: please never forget how undefinably happy you were in May 2015.

Lucy x

The Good Old Days

Liebe Lucy,

Making Memories at an 18th Birthday Party

I stumbled across something the other day somewhere in the depths of the internet which may or may not be a quote from The Office which read 'I wish there was a way to know you are in the good old days before you've actually left them'. This made me think a lot, mainly because I think there is.

As I'm in my final year of school, I'm very aware that I will be heading off to university in September leaving behind all of the truly incredible people I've become friends with over the last 2 years. In the last few weeks in particular I've felt more accepted by these people than I possibly ever have before in my life by anyone. I often find myself taking a step back and thinking 'I am so incredibly lucky to know these people'.

Although you never know what the future holds and I know that it's highly likely that there will be another period of my life which may become 'the good old days', but right now I feel like I am there. I know that I will look back on this time in my life and remember the absolute happiness felt and if these are the good old days that I look back on when I'm 90 years old I would be quite happy.

I guess my point is that although you never know what the future holds and the good old days may one day be topped by even better days, taking a step back and noticing how lucky and happy you are can quite easily show you these are the good old days. And I know that these are my good old days.

Lucy x

Wasting Time

Liebe Lucy,

I once read 'time you enjoyed wasting is not wasted time'. It really stuck with me. It's my justification for wasting time singing: time that should be spent doing homework or revising for exams. I guess the basic principal of it goes back to the idea that you should do what you love, no matter how much you might feel like you're wasting your time.

There's something about time passing quickly that worries me. I feel like I'm constantly reminded of how quickly I'm transferring from childhood to adulthood and I'm never quite sure how I feel about that. For a long time it completely terrified me. This time last year the thought of living on my own and attending university was enough to give me so much anxiety I didn't know how to handle it. Very slowly, I'm starting to feel like maybe I can do this. My time anxiety is more to do with what I do between now and then these days.

I'm surrounded by fantastic people at the moment and I want to try and make the most of having them in my life before it's too late. I know that realistically people drift apart and I honestly don't know how many of these people will still be in my life this time next year, not to mention this time in 5, even 10 years. I know I'll remember them, but I want to make sure we have reasons to remember each other. Memories to look back on and reminisce about our last year of school and how much fun we had together. Balancing that with achieving the best I'm capable of in my exams in the summer as well as having time to just do what I want to do is all a little bit daunting.

I'm not sure if time can really be wasted, it can just be spent in different ways, some of which are arguably better than others. That doesn't stop me worrying about the ways in which I spend mine.

Love Lucy x

Where I've Been

Liebe Lucy,

It's been a while since I last wrote to you, but I have been incredibly busy during that time. I've been busy starting my final year of school, applying to universities, organising, writing and directing a pantomime in under a month with 2 other incredible people, celebrating the last Christmas that won't involve a journey home and turning 18.

Year 13 is terrifying and stressful and wonderful all at the same time. I'm very aware of moments that I will look back on in years to come fondly as I remember the person I used to be. Whether it's the moments in the common room kitchen playing Cards Against Humanity with half my year group or the day we took formal photos to remember each other by in 10 years when it's been far too long since we last saw each other, there have been so many beautiful little moments that I'm making sure to hold on to incase I'm ever in need of something to remind me how wonderful my time at that place is.

As the new year rolled in you found yourself officially a fully fledged adult with the ability to buy alcohol, although that is something you are yet to do, with 4 offers from Universities under your belt as you await a reply from the last one. While you are still absolutely terrified at the idea of moving out and living on your own, away from your family, you are beginning to warm to the idea ever so slightly, partly from seeing how much your brother enjoys it but also partly because you have grown a lot since the summer, despite it feeling like not much time having passed.

I'll be letting you know more about some of the other things I've been up to soon, but for now that's all I have for you.

Happy new year,

Love Lucy x

Missing People

Liebe Lucy,

It's that time of year again, the worst part of summer. My cousins and aunt have flown back home to New Zealand after being home for 6 weeks meaning I'm far too aware of the fact I won't see them for a year at least.

As we drove home from our afternoon at the park on our last full day together for the year, my 3 year old cousin turned to me and very seriously asked 'will you miss me?'. She later asked her mum 'can we come back later?'. There's something adorable but heart breaking about the age she is now in that she understands missing people but not quite why she has to feel like that. It had to be explained to her that they couldn't come back later because it was too far away and that's why they had to go on lots of different aeroplanes to get to us.

I'm going to miss my two cousins incredibly in the year it will be until I see them but I'm still happy for the time spent with them this year. The last time I saw them the three of us raced toy snails and sang Frozen songs together and those memories, hopefully, will be enough to keep me going until next summer.

Lucy x